Warming to global whatever

There is way too much serious debate going on about global warming. Humour may be the best tonic, if it really is the end of the world as we know it, due to man’s inhumanity to the planet. Here is how some of the world’s funniest people are coping with it all.

American comedian, Arj Barker:

"The earth is just fine. People ... it's the sun! When I burn the toast, I don't blame the bread!"

Jay Leno, US talk show host:

"According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85 percent of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15 percent work for the White House."  

"President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said ‘It's just springtime'."

"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, ‘Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'"

"According to a new UN report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet."

"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming."

"Al Gore said over the weekend that global warming is more serious than terrorism. Unless the terrorist is on your plane, then that extra half a degree doesn't bother you so much."

"Barbra Streisand told Diane Sawyer that we're in a global warming crisis, and we can expect more and more intense storms, droughts and dust bowls. But before they act, weather experts say they're still waiting to hear from Celine Dion."


David Letterman, US talk show host:

"Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice."

"President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun."

Conan O'Brien, US talk show host:

"President Bush told reporters he won't see Al Gore's documentary about the threat of global warming. He will not see it. On the other hand, Dick Cheney said he's seen the global warming film five times, and it still cracks him up."

"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New Jersey won't be under water."

"Governor Schwarzenegger spoke about the dangers of global warming.  Schwarzenegger's exact words were: fire, hot, bad."

Jeremy Clarkson, Top Gear presenter:

"If we can push the winter so far back that by the time it comes along we're already into the spring, all should be well. To cure the common cold we simply need to get rid of its breeding season. This means producing as much carbon dioxide as possible. Yup. The cure for the common cold may well turn out to be the Range Rover."

"Recently, Boris Johnson (London Mayor) jokingly wondered what had happened to all those Trots and Bolsheviks from the 1970s. Boris, my dear chap, they never went away. And now there are many more of them, living among us, posing as normal, respectable members of the human race. It's just that they're not called Trots and Bolsheviks any more. They're called environmentalists and health and safety officers. Think about it. A single health and safety man can inflict more damage on business and industry than an army of Red Robboes. And the goals of an environmentalist far exceed the aspirations of even the most hardbitten 1970s communist."

"I'm sorry, Mr Nboto. We'd love to build a well in your village, but unfortunately Mr Porritt (Jonathon Porritt, head of the UK's Sustainable Development Commission) is spending all our money on a new type of possibly unnecessary engine that runs on saliva." ♦


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