Court hearings take on a whole new meaning when the defence gets defensive and the prosecution prosecutes elocution. These classics are attributed to an American book called Disorder in the Courts: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History by Charles M. Sevilla. If you can’t find the book, you might take a short cut by picking up a DVD of the 1936 Three Stooges comedy classic, Disorder in the Court.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.

Attorney:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it  affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney:You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness:My name is  Susan!

Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Attorney: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he’s 20.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you serious?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at  that time?
Witness: Uh.... I was gettin laid!

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Are you serious? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Guess.

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to  work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?

Attorney: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
Attorney: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh... are you qualified to ask that question?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.



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